Monday, December 31, 2012

Ho! Ho! Huh?

Every year, Santa's elves work their little fingers to the bone to crank out hula hoops and baseball bats for all the good girls and boys. And sometimes they stay up way too late, drink too many cups of warm syrup, and come up with some less than magical ideas. Here are a few of my favorite holiday mishaps. 

Some things I see in the store and just think "somebody's definitely getting fired for this one." It's not that the melted crayon art thing is a bad idea per say, just that Crayola is about 6-9 months behind the trend here. It's been all over the internet, especially Pinterest, and everyone who has ever wanted to try making art with melted globs of wax has already done it. And what happens when this stuff doesn't sell? Because who really wants to draw with a bunch of "extra-meltable" crayons? 

This Dale Earnhardt Jr. magnetic racer must not've been a big hit, because there were two of them at Kmart and the box said it was from 2003. That's right, this car has been sadly hanging on a peg for nine years and no one has bought it yet. The box was yellowed and edge worn, the plastic was pulling away from the paper, and the whole thing was held together with lots of Scotch tape. It's kinda sad, really, and if you've ever seen Toy Story, you'll know why. 

This I just don't understand. Suddenly Tim McGraw = Outback Steakhouse? Have they done research that proves listening to a Tim McGraw song gives someone a hankering for a bloomin' onion? Or do they just think people in Tennessee will buy anything with a country star's face on it? 

This is something else I don't understand. Why does Walmart think anybody would want to hang this on their Christmas tree? What do I look like, some sort of chump who would shell out $3 to advertise your store in my house? I don't think so. Plus, it's not as if shopping at Walmart is some sort of prestigious status symbol. Everyone shops at Walmart. Most people hate it. It's just cheap and they have everything. I'm pretty sure even people who work at Walmart don't have enough loyalty to the store or the brand to want one of these hanging in their  home.

This next one is included not because it is WTF-worthy, but because of how adorable it is. And that's exactly the problem. If you look close enough, you'll see that this sequined dog sweater is labeled as an "Ugly Sweater." This has me questioning my whole taste and sense of style, because if Sheldon was a girl, he'd wear this sweater. Heck, if it came in my size, I'd want one. So am I just crazy, is this an ugly sweater? Or do those Boots & Barkley people just not know what they're talking about? 

These shoes have me questioning my taste too. If you're thinking they're hideous and you wouldn't even buy them as part of your tranny-hooker-with-flamboyant-taste-and-ridiculous-balance Halloween costume, we're on the same page.The problem is that they're almost sold out. That's right, there was only about two pairs left in each style, which is really troubling. I was lucky enough that they just so happened to have one pair in a size 8 left, so of course I had to try them on. 

And in case you didn't notice, that sign has a nice "try on at your own risk" statement, releasing the shoe store from any liability in case you twist your ankle putting these suckers on. 

This was honestly the closest I've ever been to breaking a bone. I needed help just getting up out of my chair, and I almost broke my ankle on the first step I took. How anyone walks in these is beyond me. Did I mention I'm afraid of heights? Would not recommend. 

The obsession with camo just blows my mind. Why do people find it necessary to have everything they own look like a pile of dead leaves and twigs? It's not as if you could actually take this hunting with you, surely the sound of the razor would scare all the deer away. And god forbid you drop it out there somewhere, you'd never find it! 

I love me some zombies as much as the next guy, but this is just taking it a little too far. Zombies + politics? Too much. Forget the fact that these are the most terrifying looking cartoon zombies ever, but guys, the election is over. And I don't care who you are, shooting an anthropomorphized political figure is just in bad taste. 

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Next, I have two questionable gifts that I actually bought for someone. 

This first one was part of Shane's Christmas gift. I found it on Groupon and was so excited because Shane loves remote controlled things and especially things he can annoy our dogs with. The helicopter seemed perfect, it was a good price (half off!) and even has a camera that takes pictures and video. One thing I didn't take into account...size.

Imagine the surprise / disappointment that I felt when I opened up that big box and this was all that was inside! I felt like the kid searching for the giant toy in the cereal box only to get something crappy like a stick-on tattoo. I just thought it'd be a little more, I don't know, impressive or something. Even though it was half off, it was still kinda expensive. I later found the same exact helicopters at a kiosk in the mall but didn't ask how much they were, I can imagine they were a much better deal. Luckily, Shane loves it regardless, and has had a wonderful time chasing Charlie and Sheldon around the apartment with it. All's well that ends well, right? 

This next gift should show you just how much I love my little sister, because I bought it at a Walmart without self-checkout lanes. I'm not sure why the Duck Tape people thought it necessary to make Justin Bieber tape, or what my sister will do with it, but I have a feeling I'll be making another run to stock up before the store runs out. 

I even had a nice conversation with the cashier about how we didn't think his music was bad, but that it mutually creeped us out that middle-age women are in love with him. 

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People go at advertising with the best intentions, but sometimes it just misses the mark a bit. 

This sign was spotted at the flea market at the Sevierville exit on 1-40 (bet the airbrush didn't give that away). You could say that the art is good, and even that it is amusing, until you notice the little boy. See the way he's so excited that his mom is zapping the ever-loving crap out of that suspicious curly mustache man? He's way too into it. Not to mention that the poor little mustache man peed his pants at the end. Gross. 

This booth also had a sign that said "We Have Pepper Spray -- WORKS ON DRUG ADDICTS." Seems oddly specific. 

And finally, my dad sent me this next one, which he found while going to lunch with my granddad at Ryan's Buffet. Just a little too "adult" for a family restaurant, don't you think? That window painter could've added any number of holly berries to the end of the candy cane, but no, they had to go for two. You can't say that's accidental. 

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!

I loooooooovvveeeee Christmas. Mostly because of the presents, and because it's only twelve days before my birthday. Which means more presents ;) But my absolute favorite part is decorating!
Christmas 2012
Hard to take a picture of it in the dark, but I am in love with this wreath, which I made myself :) It's sparkly and colorful, which is the definition of awesome. 

Four years ago before Shane and I got married, I started making stockings for the both of us. And this year, I actually finished them! Plus two more for the doggies. 
Christmas 2012
Charlie and Sheldon's stockings are my favorite, the little puppies in the Santa hats are just too cute. 

The nativity has a few extra visitors this year, with Santa, Marie Antoinette, and a penguin. We also have two baby Jesuses. It's a long story.
Christmas 2012

You can never have too many Christmas lights. Or too much garland. I'm thinking about making a Walmart run for some more as I type this...
Christmas 2012

Even the water dispenser got a little Christmas spirit.
Christmas 2012

Santa and his reindeer came a little early this year but they decided they liked it and wanted to stay for a while. The elves can handle it, right? 
Christmas 2012

The tree! Our old tree was a bit gigantic, so we picked up this perfect apartment-sized one for only $20. Christmas bargains are the best.
Christmas 2012
I get really carried away when I'm decorating the tree. We have a ton of ornaments, and I like to see how many I can squeeze on the tree without it collapsing under the weight of them all. 

Of course my four giant boxes of ornaments can't all possibly fit on the tree, try as I might, so I had to get creative. Also, check out my awesome Martha Stewart poinsettia wreath! It actually was a Martha Stewart kit, and it took forever to make. 
Christmas 2012

Can't let the tiny ornaments feel left out! 
Christmas 2012

Can you believe we finished our Christmas shopping like two weeks ago, and the gifts are  already wrapped? The best part was it wasn't even planned. We went to the store to start browsing for gift ideas and somehow Santa worked his magic and we ended up with gifts for everyone. I hope every year is this easy! 
Christmas 2012
As prepared as we are, it turns out there is a problem with being done with Christmas shopping and decorating this early. You just get on this shopping high and want to buy more and more presents for everyone, and of course you can never have too many decorations. Our Christmas shopping budget is already way over, and I'm sure by the time the 24th rolls around, every surface in this apartment will twinkle or glitter. 

Of course, Shane and I aren't the only ones ready for Christmas! Charlie and Sheldon went for a special day at the doggie spa and got their holiday haircuts. They even spritzed them with some Christmas cookie perfume. Yum!
Christmas 2012

Now all that's left is to sit out our plate of cookies, scoot our couch away from the fireplace to give Santa some leeway, and wait!