Monday, April 25, 2011

Terrible gifts

First, let me state that I would consider everything in this post to be a terrible gift. However, different people have different tastes, some more bizarre than others. So let's review, and see what sort of "eccentric" person might like each of the following...

 Half tennis shoe, half flip flop Converse
 While these shoes give the illusion of comfort, just imagine if they would really feel that way. I imagine they could possibly be the most uncomfortable things ever. Just think of how many little rocks and twigs would get stuck in them while you're walking. Plus, I put on flip flops because I'm lazy and I hate tying my shoes.

Ideal recipient: Punk/emo kid who likes wearing skinny jeans to the beach. Or someone who likes to get pedicures and go exercise right afterwards. 

RealTree Stoneware from Bass Pro Shop
I immediately said a little "thank you Jesus that Shane doesn't like hunting" when I saw this. 

 Ideal recipient: Someone who likes to spend their spare time covered in deer urine. Would also make a great gag gift for a bridal shower, or regular wedding gift for someone you hate.

Webkinz Ballerina Husky Dog "collectible figurine"
I don't know what it is, but there is something unsettling about this ballerina husky dog. It bothers me. It's one of those things that you ponder on late at night when you can't fall asleep, but you never figure it out.

Ideal recipient: People who just "gotta catch 'em all!" (Yeah, yeah I know that's Pokémon). Other than obsessed collectors, I probably wouldn't buy this for anyone. The baseball playing turtle and the tennis champ hamster were much cuter.

"Knit Your Own Royal Wedding" Book
Yes, I will probably be awake at 4am to watch the royal wedding. And yes, I do like to knit. And yes, I have always wanted my own little knitted version of Queen Elizabeth II. But let's face it, this book has a limited span of relevancy. I saw it on Sunday. The wedding is this Friday. Even if you do have that sort of attention span and can knit that fast, what are you going to do? Re-enact the whole scene 100 times in your living room? Besides, I think this mug makes a much better souvenir.

Ideal recipient: Person who is obsessed with Prince William and wants to make a Kate Middleton voodoo doll. Anyone else can just wait til Saturday when these will be in the bargain bin for $1.

Flu shot gift card from CVS
Did you know that approximately 87% of Americans are absolutely terrified of needles? (Also, 94% of statistics are made up right on the spot.) This is one of those terrible gifts that no one wants. It's worse than getting sheets, or a package of socks, or underwear. Just imagine opening up that birthday card "Oh wow a gift card...for CVS? is this? A flu shot? Couldn't you have just given me the $30?"

Ideal gift giver: Helicopter mother whose child has finally escaped the house and is off at their first year of college.

Mustachioed, beret-wearing sheep plate, Hobby Lobby
(picture from my sister Hannah)
This isn't even one of those "so ugly it's cute" sort of things. What is even more disturbing is the fact that the little sheep in the bottom right corner looks like a salt/pepper shaker, which means there might be a whole collection of sheep nonsense out there. 

Ideal recipient: Perfect for a new neighbor, because this gift has options: 
#1--if they're cool, play it off as a gag gift. They will enjoy your humor and you will be instant BFFs. #2--if they're annoying, act like you're really into animals with facial hair, especially sheep with mustaches. Tell them how you've always dreamed of owning one, making it wear a beret, and naming it "Pierre." They'll think you're insane and avoid you in the hallways.

Sony Walkman from FYE for the low low price of $49.99

I saved this for last because it is the most absurd. Not only does it show that the music stores at the mall are way overpriced, they're also highly irrelevant. Who wants to go to the trouble of carrying CDs around that play 12-15 songs each when you can buy an iPod Shuffle for $49 that plays like 300 songs? 

Ideal recipient: Someone who got a really late start on their time capsule of the 90s.

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